Just to be safe, I've been reading up on how to vanquish a vampire. Never hurts to be too careful. From what I've read, it seems that many authorities agree that the simplest and surest way to kill a vampire is with a wooden stake through the heart.

The concern that I have is, our Sages teach us (Kiddushin 49b) that

דברים שבלב אינם דברים

things in the heart are not things

and therefore, seemingly as soon as the stake penetrates the vampires heart, it will cease to exist.

So how can I vanquish vampires if my stake will stop existing?

This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy.

There are a variety of ways to kill a vampire. The first thing to remember is that while there may not be "devarim" in the heart, you can still effect work in the heart by praying for the death of a vampire -- tefilla is avodah shebalev.

Additionally, one can burn them as the halachot of nosar-feratu read, Ba'eish tisrofu. Also, one can purify a house from the evil of a vampire by exposing the vampire to sun, or even to evening! (Uva Hashemesh Vetaher). You could cover it in silver, but I'm afraid that would appear like kisuf. Lastly, you can cut the head off but that lacks finesse and is just if you have to do a ראש job.

A stake in Hebrew is a יתד, and as it says in Yishayahu, ותקעתיו יתד במקום נאמן, you need to stick the stake in a "trustworthy place". In Nechemya we find: ומצאת את לבבו נאמן. So it's obvious the torah is saying you need to stick the stake in the heart.

Now, the question is what to do about דברים שבלב, and the answer is that we do have a number of exceptions to the rule. One of those is having in mind to bring an offering to the Beit Hamikdash (shavuout 26b): גמר בלבו מנין ת"ל כל נדיב לב. -- even if you just have in mind to bring an offering, it is sufficient.

So, generally, when staking the vampire, make sure you are having in mind to bring him as an offering to the Beit Hamikdash, and you should be good to go.

Note: The pasuk כל נדיב לב specifically includes זהב וכסף ונחשת , etc. so you can bring the vampire as an offering of any type of metal, but most poskim agree that the מצוה מן המובחר is to have in mind to use silver, especially for vampires. As the Mishna says (Bava Kamma 1:3) שום כסף -- "Silver is like garlic", which we all know is good against vampires.

You can hand the vampire an uninteresting newspaper. There's historical precedent that doing so destroys evil.

Precedent: Yael gave Sisra the Yated and bored him to death.

(Credit to @Nic for reminding me of this old joke).

This is one instance where the Gemarah, apparently, contradicts modern medicine.

First of all, you didn't read the last word in that phrase correctly. The entire phrase is:

דברים שבלב אינם דֹבְרִים

things in the heart don't speak.

During a recent cardiology checkup, my doctor told me that I have a heart murmur. I asked him what my heart was saying and he said, he couldn't completely understand everything, but essentially it was saying that I have to lose weight.

So, the Gemarah is wrong by saying that things in the heart don't speak. In fact, they do, on occasion.

So, if you put a stake into a vampire, the hear will speak via the stake that's in it. Not exactly what you want.

I'm afraid there's not much you can do, because anything put into the heart will talk. The best you can do is put on headphones and try to ignore the murmuring.